Dear Parents, This is for you both to read- you used to take us down the hill and wail on us, kick us, push us to the ground, slap us. I am so sorry that you felt like you needed to do that, and I am sorry that you thought I was such a bad child that deserved that. I will speak just for me, not for Tonya or Andrew. I will never be ok, with hitting or beating a child, especially when they come from the foster care system. Your actions have had a ripple effect in my life which has caused me to be afraid of men because I assume they will beat me. I am still single because in the last two relationships I have been in, the guys beat me and belittled me so much. Looking for love, like I wanted your love and receiving pain instead. It is never ok to do that, and I do remember that the only times you would do that was when you drank a little too much. I understand because I am an addict, you may not be, but when under the influence I am not in control of my behavior the substance is.
Dad, I am sorry. I am sorry that I was a child looking for love, wanting a family, not understanding my emotions, being in so much pain, and lashing out at you. I am truly sorry. I was kicked out and on the streets as a child. I am now 34 years old, and when I think about a parent kicking a 15-16-year-old out and onto the street, I am in awe. Pain is all I can think about. The parents were unable to love the child, so throwing them out is the last resort. I do not believe that. Even if a child is horrific and hard to deal with, there are ways. Lots of ways. Never is it ok to throw a child on the streets and have them fend for themselves. That is what happened. I know that maybe I could have come back, but after all the pain I had been through, I do not believe that anyone would.
You both had parents that loved you and cared for you. College education, families. I wanted that too. I wanted a mom and dad that would love me forever. I wanted to come home for thanksgiving and see you both. I wanted that. To help you when you are old. I know Tonya and Andrew are doing their own thing and causing wreckage in their lives.
I wanted to be loved. I have not been loved in years. I have been alone, on the streets, prostituting, doing drugs, and killing myself. This is not your fault, but what is your fault is the fact that you adopted me, promised me, and the courts, and God, that you would love and care for me and that you failed. I do not owe you an apology for that. I know that is harsh to read, maybe you will be angry, maybe you will not even write back to me. That is the truth though. Why? Why even adopt? You wanted a family; I know that you were unable to have children. So, you adopted, and when everything got tough, you gave up and threw it all away. That is not something that I am sorry for, I do forgive you, but I will never forget. The amount of pain I have been through in my life is so surreal, that there are not enough pages for me to write about it. I wish you both got children that were better behaved, but unfortunately, you got me and the other two. You both gave up. You both gave up on me. I was your first child, and you threw me out like trash.